The stepfamily life cycle consists of seven stages of development. In the early stages ( Fantasy, Immersion, and Awareness), the family tends to remain divided along biological lines. In the middle stages (Mobilization and Action), the structure of the family begins to unfreeze and shift. In the later stages (Contact and Resolution), the new stepfamily solidifies and healthy step-relationships are formed. On average, stepfamilies make it through the seven stages in about seven years.
In the beginning, family members have fantasies about what life will be like in the stepfamily. Usually, their only prior experience is "biological family" living. Consequently, expectations of what is possible in the early years can be distorted. For the adults in the family, the fantasies can include such thoughts as:
In this stage, the fantasies begin to be at odds with reality. Simple, everyday things happen that make it seem as if life is coming apart. For example, one spouse who is used to sitting down to regular meals with the children finds that they are married to someone who eats on the run.
For children, loyalty can become an issue. They may feel that loving their stepfather would make them disloyal to their natural father. It's fair to require a child to act civilly toward a stepparent, but it's not fair to expect the child to love the stepparent.
The stepparent can feel like an outsider in the family. It can de difficult to forge a strong couple relationship in the presence of a more intimate, more enduring, and more powerful parent/child relationship. This often leads to strong negative feelings on the part of the stepparent: jealousy, resentment, inadequacy, loneliness. There is a tendency for the stepparent to blame themselves for all this.
In this stage, stepfamily members begin to make sense out of what is happening to them. Stepparents begin to understand the source of painful feelings, although they still feel the pain. They often need support to help them abandon the feeling of blaming themselves. The best source of support is an understanding spouse. However, in most cases, one's partner is not a reliable source of support until the Action stage. Therefore, a stepparent should seek support from a support group, from reading, or from a therapist.
The biological parent wants to protect the children from too much additional change, but intimacy with the new spouse requires excluding children and imposing new rules. There may still be work to do in resolving the relationship with the previous spouse, but the new relationship causes pressure to move on. If the ex-spouse relationship is difficult, the biological parent may fear that changes could jeopardize financial support or access to the children. The new spouse may see that hesitance to change as a lack of commitment or caring.
Stage 4 could also be called "rocking the boat versus jumping ship." Stepparents decide to take a stand and stick by it. The issues involved vary greatly. It may be a lock on the parental bedroom or a particular rule. A full-time stepmother may step back and insist that the husband reclaim his disciplinary and nurturing role with his own children.
There are often fights in this phase. The fights are generally started by the family members who feel most excluded and dissatisfied (usually the stepparent). The person who initiates the fight is actually doing a good thing. By their willingness to rock the boat, they call attention to the need to work together to make changes. There is a temptation to assume that someone is right and someone is wrong. The couple can succeed at getting past Stage 4 when they begin to understand that each member of the family is in pain over the differences.
Fighting openly can, however, strain relationships. It is very tempting to retreat to the silent discomfort of the earlier stages. Such a step backward would not bode well for the success of the family. Instead, the couple should seek professional help. Don't hesitate to bring the counselor things to read about stepfamilies. Many counselors are still in need of an education about how stepfamilies are different.
In the Action stage, couples work together to resolve differences and to begin building a new family structure. There may still be fights in this phase, but, unlike in prior stages, the fights get finished, and decisions are made that meet some of the needs of each person. These decisions actually change the way the family functions.
It is in this stage that the biological parent should begin to move out of the way and allow stepparent and stepchild to work things out together. The stepparent-stepchild relationship cannot flourish until this is done. The stepparent may need to learn to remind the biological parent to bite his or her tongue when stepparent and stepchild are fighting. Also, this is the point at which the stepparent can and should begin moving into the disciplinary role.
Two things that help couples move from Stage 4 to Stage 5 are joining and strategic planning. Joining is a technique for empathizing when involved in a discussion or disagreement with your spouse or child. What you do each time is to repeat back to the other person the essence of what you think they were trying to say, before responding with something new of your own. This is much harder to do than it sounds, but it makes a big difference in keeping each other open while you are disagreeing.
Strategic planning means collecting all available information about everyone's wants and needs, and then sitting down as a team to figure out creative ways to meet as many needs as possible.
In Stage 6, people in step-relationships begin to really get to know each other. The stepparent and stepchild have heart-to-heart talks more often. The couple relationship also improves. In previous stages, the relationship was easily strained by stepfamily issues. Now, it begins to be a more intimate sanctuary to which we can bring our feelings and problems.
At this point, stepparents can first confidently describe solid, workable stepparent roles. There are many ways in which the two members of the couple differ from each other. In previous stages, these differences led to discomfort and conflict. Now, they form the foundation of the stepparent's role in the family. For example, an expressive man who entered a vey polite and careful family becomes "the one around here who teaches us about feelings."
By the Resolution stage, most of the hardest work has been accomplished. Norms and rules have been established, and new rituals have begun to be built. Issues that came up in prior stages may still occur. The difference is that, before, the issues caused panic, whereas now they are simply normal events.
In Stage 7, most stepparent-stepchild relationships feel solid and reliable. Stepparents find themselves in the special role of "intimate outsider". They are close enough to know the important details of their stepchildren's lives, but distant enough that the stepchild can confide in them about such important issues as sexuality, drug use, and unresolved feelings about the divorce.